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1. You have ONE advantage over me..... You can kiss my ss and I can't!

2. Tradgedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

3. You only live once...but if you live it right, once is enough.

4. If your heart was really broken, you'd be dead, so shut up.

5. When a smurf is choking, what color does it turn?

6. The nice mean are ugly, the handsome men are mean, and the nice and handsome men are GAY!

7. When life hands you lemons, alter their DNA, and make SUPER LEMONS!

8. Boys are like lava lamps, pretty to look at, but not very bright.

9. My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems...

10. A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you, but a best friend will go up to him and say, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

11. Forget the cookies, the Darkside has YAOI!

12. DANGER: Blond Zone

13. Save the Earth it's the only planet with chocolate.

14. Did you just call me a BITCH? Well, a bitch is a DOG, Dogs BARK, Bark is on TREES, Trees are a part of NATURE, and nature is BEAUTIFUL. So yeah, thanks for the compliment.

15. I use to be normal. Until I met those losers I call my best friends.

16. Angry people need hugs (Or sharp objects)

17. I run with scissors. It makes me feel danderous.

18. 98% of teens are bringing sexy back, but I'm the 2% that sexy never left.

19. Sorry boys the only things I blow are kisses.

20. It's hard sitting in church knowing all the catholic guys are mentally undressing you.

21. Welcome to Loserville. Population: You.

22. Danger: This Work Place Doesn't Give A Shit About Safety

23. 5 Words That Sound Dirty But Aren't: Uranus, Cocktail, Poopoo Plater, Comquat, Mastercate.

24. Next Mood Swing: 6 Minutes

25. I don't believe in Miracles. I rely on them.

26. I'm Muli-Talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

27.Forget health clinics and gyms. Sex is the best cure. One good night of sex and your problems are gone.

28. [on UK movie rating system]
It's simple. PG means the hero gets the girl. 15 means that the villain gets the girl and 18 means everybody gets the girl.

29. In everyday life, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

30. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

31. When I came here, I couldn't speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish.

32. I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie.

33. Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.

34. Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'

35. Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

36. Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.

37. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.

38. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

39. It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week

40. Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

41. I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

42. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

43. Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

44. Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.

45. I've got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: "Hello, goodbye, and I'm pregnant.

46. Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

47. When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.

48. The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

49. There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.

50. A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

51. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

52.Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
These are some funny sayings I've found on the internet and I've thrown them all together. I didn't make a single saying in here, but I repeat them a lot.

(I use the heart attack in a game of charades a lot when people are being super quiet.)

Oh, yeah. I'm putting these things on here, because I'm tired of them being in my Journal and on my computer.
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XxN0B0DYxX Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist

hannah040803 Featured By Owner May 2, 2015
love #10
Dragonrusher21 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2014
51 i love it
babyhallow Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014
My sister in law told number 14 to me a few years ago becuase my brother always used to call me a bitch for no reason whatsoever. He stopped doing it after I said that to him, or maybe it was becuase I punched him and broke his nose becuase he had the guts to call me a psyco instead. Another saying for this list: "When life gives you lemons, shove them down the throat of some motherf***er you hate."
FancyComicsReborn Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2013  Student Photographer
#22 got me lmaoing :lol:
RandomName10000 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
When all else fails, read the instructions

Also read my signature.
WhiteBeltWriter Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Student General Artist
"If at first you don't succeed....
Skydiving's not for you.""
BloodyOrchidofMine Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012  Student Artist
But im a child ;_;
disneydamsel98 Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
for#6 and the nice and handsome men are GAY! or The Doctor (alien timelords are off-limits)
NatiaEloc Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
"Forget the cookies the dark side has YAOI"
<-- Totallly freaked out and started jumping up and down.
ChocolateShortcake77 Featured By Owner May 29, 2012
This was AWESOME. Funny AND insulting!
EvetsNightmares Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013
No it was only insulting -_-
CarmellaTheHedgehog Featured By Owner May 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I Got One...When Life Gives U Lemons, You Throw The Lemons At Lifes Face And Demand For Cupcakes.....
AliceInMadnessWorld Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
In 6. The nice mean are ugly, the handsome men are mean, and the nice and handsome men are GAY! It should say 6. The nice men are ugly, the handsome men are mean, and the nice and handsome men are GAY! Change the mean to men, I don't know if anyone told you that. Besides for that lovely piece.
IRideAMagicalLadle Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Another list of witty sayings to throw at my enemys....thank YOU! :squee:
"Na dein nos agus na bris nos (neither make nor break a custom)"
ifitti93 Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2011
17,25,51 and 52 are my faves<3
ManiacalToaster Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Student General Artist
I can't stop laughing! XD
woot4anime64 Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2011  Student General Artist
I don't get 33
saphira862 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Change the d to f
woot4anime64 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Student General Artist
no I mean why the hell would you fuck for apples like I get for money or drugs but...apples???? da fuq
giggles13579 Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2011
333latias Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
i laughed a super lot
MidnightIce97 Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I told my mom #23 and she told me that masticate means to chew. For some reason, I couldn't stop laughing at that. . . .
TheOtaku13 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011
51 *stands up on chair and throws fists in air*
KenshiTalabock Featured By Owner May 9, 2011   Writer
I agree on most of that
shria44 Featured By Owner May 7, 2011
lol. love 11 XD
nice work
TyraPhoenix Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
9. My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems... :lmao:
LunarWarrior21 Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
those are SOOOOO funny!!!
what website did you find these on?^^
greendayaddict12 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2010
ha! i love these!!!!!!
NadueThots Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2010
i love ur icon!
kitamie Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2010  Student Photographer
ive heard alot of these before lol
Yaoi03 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2010
DarkForsez Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2010
lawlz my favoritez r 20, 34, 37, and 45
MomoTenjin Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2010
lmao. Love it!
VickyTheHedgehog344 Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2010
I am TOTALLY fucking faving this
PhoenixGirl101 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2010   Writer
"33. Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life." am i really think cos i dont get this one? but ROFLCOPTER on rest! fav'd!
amythedancer Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2010
"33. Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life." Ducking for apples. Replace the first letter with an F. It's a hooker joke
PhoenixGirl101 Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2010   Writer
ah, i get it now!
LXwillXlive Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2010
number 11 owns my life
Shadowlover4life Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2009
I was normal once. Then i met those losers i call my friends. xDDD
Ario-The-Only Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2009
Lmao... havn't laughed this hard since i was a little girl... :-P Fav'd it!
Boneman163 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2009
All of them made me laugh, but 11 made me quit the cookies and go to the light side. They're straight AND they have brownies.
KishsKirby Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2009
XDDD i have one if somebody says to you "Can't you take a joke?" say "NO i can't" lol i love this kind of stuff
CrazyChuckTaylors01 Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2009
I heart it! wwoooooooooooooo thats going in my favz!
xXxBlackenedHeartxXx Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009
11. Forget the cookies, the Darkside has YAOI!
Damn right the darkside has yaoi! It's the reason I joined XD

kitty-kitty2 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010
ya know, these are hillarious!!LOL!

ya know what else? i have crossed the 2 the dark side!!

KisaCullen Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2009
Hey got another one " When some one asks u if u play basketball say "No do u play mini golf?" Remember the gay pedifile dude? lol
UnPlEaSaNtMaNdY Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2008
Hahaha They are funny
hehe Ima tell these to my friend cuz shes a butthole >.>
Akatsuki-lover16 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2008  Student Traditional Artist
lol!Nice work!:D
first comment:D

Lifes hard,deal with it
If life throws you emotions,1 simple step.........DODGE THEM!!!
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