1. You have ONE advantage over me..... You can kiss my ss and I can't!
2. Tradgedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
3. You only live once...but if you live it right, once is enough.
4. If your heart was really broken, you'd be dead, so shut up.
5. When a smurf is choking, what color does it turn?
6. The nice mean are ugly, the handsome men are mean, and the nice and handsome men are GAY!
7. When life hands you lemons, alter their DNA, and make SUPER LEMONS!
8. Boys are like lava lamps, pretty to look at, but not very bright.
9. My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems...
10. A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you, but a best friend will go up to him and say, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
11. Forget the cookies, the Darkside has YAOI!
12. DANGER: Blond Zone
13. Save the Earth it's the only planet with chocolate.
14. Did you just call me a BITCH? Well, a bitch is a DOG, Dogs BARK, Bark is on TREES, Trees are a part of NATURE, and nature is BEAUTIFUL. So yeah, thanks for the compliment.
15. I use to be normal. Until I met those losers I call my best friends.
16. Angry people need hugs (Or sharp objects)
17. I run with scissors. It makes me feel danderous.
18. 98% of teens are bringing sexy back, but I'm the 2% that sexy never left.
19. Sorry boys the only things I blow are kisses.
20. It's hard sitting in church knowing all the catholic guys are mentally undressing you.
21. Welcome to Loserville. Population: You.
22. Danger: This Work Place Doesn't Give A Shit About Safety
23. 5 Words That Sound Dirty But Aren't: Uranus, Cocktail, Poopoo Plater, Comquat, Mastercate.
24. Next Mood Swing: 6 Minutes
25. I don't believe in Miracles. I rely on them.
26. I'm Muli-Talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
27.Forget health clinics and gyms. Sex is the best cure. One good night of sex and your problems are gone.
28. [on UK movie rating system]
It's simple. PG means the hero gets the girl. 15 means that the villain gets the girl and 18 means everybody gets the girl.
29. In everyday life, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
30. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
31. When I came here, I couldn't speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish.
32. I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie.
33. Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.
34. Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
35. Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
36. Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.
37. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.
38. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
39. It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week
40. Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
41. I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
42. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
43. Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
44. Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.
45. I've got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: "Hello, goodbye, and I'm pregnant.
46. Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
47. When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
48. The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
49. There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
50. A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
51. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
52.Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.